How The Brazilian Boa Constrictor Did Not Help/Read

"Sssssso," said the Brazilian boa constrictor. "You want me to sssssseduce Nagini."

"Er…yes," Harry said. Where was Hermione when he needed her? This was her idea in the first place. "You see, well, I killed Voldemort, but I didn't really kill him, only his body – his newer body – because Nagini is the last horcrux. Voldemort is still alive – well, one-seventh of his soul is. In a snake."

"Then Nagini issssss a male," said the boa constrictor. "I do not ssssssswing that way."

"She has, well, girl parts," Harry said, feeling the blush on his face. "It's only the one-seventh of Voldemort's soul inside her that's male."

The boa constrictor pondered this. "Do sssssoulsssss have ssssssexesssss?"

"I don't know." Whether it defeated Voldemort or not, Hermione was really going to pay for this. He'd have her read over all of his essays – except that, wait, he didn't write any essays anymore because he had dropped out of school. How was he going to be a fully-trained wizard with a year of school missing? Maybe right now the rest of his former class was learning something that could kill Voldemort in an instant.

In retrospect, quitting Hogwarts had really been rather stupid. "You haven't even got to – mate with Nagini. You just have to convince her that you're interested in her and then when you get close enough you can kill her."

"How do you want me to ssssslay her?" asked the boa constrictor, his tongue darting in and out of his mouth as he spoke.

"I don't know. Bite her head off or something."

"Wait a minute," said the boa. "You are the one who mussssst kill the Dark Lord. I cannot do it for you. Why don't you sssssseduce her insssssstead?"

"I'm a human!" Harry yelped. "I can't – do things – with a snake!"

"You could," the boa replied. "You obvioussssly have never heard of the ancient sssssport of the Malfoysssss."

The thought of what the boa was suggesting was so disturbing that Harry pushed it from his mind. "I just can't," he said desperately. "Besides, Nagini knows what I look like."

"Ussssse Polyjuice," said the boa.

"The one-seventh of the soul might be able to use Legilimency on me and know who I really am."

"Then you are ssssstuck," said the boa, shrugging its non-existent shoulders. "There issss nothing I can do to help you. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a date with the giant sssssquid."