Luna Lovegood's Ten Steps to Surviving the Zombie/Read

Step One: Believe in zombies

"It's very important to believe in them," Luna said seriously.

Harry gave her a baffled look. "Why? It's not like they work on belief or anything like that." He frowned. "Actually, if they did work on belief, then it would probably be better not to believe in them."

Luna swatted him on the arm.

"Anyway, it's completely irrelevant," Harry pointed out. "It's not like we're going to be attacked by zombies. Inferi, maybe, but not zombies." He shuddered. Inferi still gave him nightmares at times.

Luna looked serious. "You never know." She tilted her head to one side. "You can't fight something if you don't believe in it."

Step Two: Remember when zombies are likely to strike

"It's Halloween in a couple of days," Luna said, her eyes bright. "I thought we could decorate our rooms tonight."

Harry swallowed a groan. "Not bats again," he said. Last year they had bought thousands of rubber bats, and then Luna had gone around and individually charmed them so that they would fly around Hogwarts on Halloween. Unfortunately, the charm had lasted a bit longer than anticipated, and they ended up hunting rouge bats for days afterwards.

"Not bats," Luna agreed. "I was thinking of pumpkin people."

"We could just go with Muggle decorations," Harry pointed out.

Luna pouted. "Well, what would be the point in that?"

Harry reached over and pushed a lock of hair back from Luna's face. "Not much point," he said. "But least we don't spend Easter next year hunting down bats."

Step Three: Remember where zombies are likely to strike

"I'd imagine they would attack outside graveyards," Harry pointed out.

Luna shook her head. "Not always," she told him. "They attack people. They'll find any nearby human population and attack."

Harry resisted the urge to bang his head against the table.

"Don't look so grumpy," Luna told him as she curled up under his arm. "You wanted to know my ten point plan for surviving a zombie attack."

Harry was beginning to regret ever asking her to elaborate. In the three years they had been together, Harry thought he should have learned when to stop asking, but he still found himself in situations like this. "I guess I did," he said with a sigh.

Luna grinned at him. "Don't worry so much," she advised as she scooted behind him to rub his shoulders.

Step Four: Always expect a zombie attack

"What?" Harry spluttered.

Hermione's face seemed pale even though it was made out of dancing flames. "There's a zombie attack," she repeated. "On Hogsmeade. We think it's coming towards Hogwarts. You guys need to barricade the place up. Quickly."

"What?" Harry repeated. He really couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Hermione sighed. "Luna?" she called. "Make sure you guys have the right precautions. We're coming up with an antidote right now, but there's no guarantee that it'll work. The zombies have turned at least fifty people by now and the number's increasing every hour."

Luna nodded serenely. "Don't worry," she said. "You can count on us."

As Hermione's face disappeared from their fireplace, Harry turned to Luna. "About your plan…"

Step Five: Keep updated on current events as they unfold

Harry wrapped his arms tightly around Luna and kissed the top of her head. "Sh-t," he said as he read Hermione's latest update. Apparently the zombies were almost upon them now and their numbers had doubled.

Luna wriggled out of his arms. "We're prepared," she said seriously. "I've been preparing for this for my entire life."

Harry couldn't help but laugh. "I guess you have," he said. "I'm glad you're with me." If there was anybody who could take down the zombies, it was Luna.

Luna kissed his nose.

Step Six: Don't get distracted from the main goal

"I thought you said to not get distracted," Harry panted as Luna unzipped his pants. This was very distracting. Very, very distracting. For all they knew, the zombies were right outside Hogwarts by now.

Luna's eyes were wide. "You're right. We should stop."

"Um, I didn't mean that!" Harry said quickly. He grabbed her and pulled her back into his arms. "They won't be here for hours."

"We could die," Luna told him.

Harry slumped. There was nothing he could say to that.

"Of course, if that happens, it means we'll never do this again," she murmured. "And that would be a shame."

"Exactly!" Harry exclaimed. "We should take advantage of this opportunity."

"You're probably right," Luna agreed.

"Have I ever told you how damn good you are at that?"

"Many times," Luna said softly as she pushed him down onto the bed and straddled him.

Harry wanted to drag her down, kiss her hard and remember this moment right now because for all they knew, they were never going to have anything like this before. But the look on her face stopped him. It was a look of serene ecstasy.

"I think we're officially distracted," Luna murmured.

Harry had to agree.

Step Seven: Don't make assumptions.

"Dammit!" Harry exclaimed. "They're fast." The only zombies he had ever seen – other than the inferi, and they didn't really count – were the ones in those movies Dudley used to watch. Most of them were slow and rather dull looking. These zombies, however, seemed to be shambling towards them very quickly. Harry could see some of the poor unfortunates who hadn't been quick enough to barricade themselves on the upper floors. The zombies descended upon them.

Harry winced. Blood splattered the window.

Step Eight: Save as many as you can

"Stay here," Harry said softly as he opened the doors to his and Luna's chambers. "You'll be safe here."

The students looked frightened, but most of them nodded. "Don't worry about us," one of them said bravely. "We can defend ourselves."

Harry smiled briefly. He wished there was something more he could do for them, but the zombies had taken over too much of Hogwarts. The only thing he could do was get the students into a safe place. "Remember to put furniture against the door," he instructed. "And don't open it again for anything."

"We know," the student said again. With a trembling hand, she closed the door.

Step Nine: Not everybody can be saved

Harry swallowed as he saw one of his students being dragged down by a zombie. It bit into her neck and blood sprayed everywhere. "Stupefy!" he shouted. The spell hit the zombie, but it had no effect. It was as though Harry had simply stood and yelled at it.

Luna pulled at his arm. "Come on," she whispered. "There's nothing we can do."

"Yes, there is," Harry snapped. "Maybe not for her, but we can stop these ... things."

"Magic has no effect on zombies," Luna told him. "We tried at the gate, but it did nothing."

Harry swallowed. She was right. They had barricaded the gates and the staff members had all stood there, firing all the spells they knew at the advancing zombie army but to no avail. Some of the Muggle-born staff members had tried to throw knives and stones at the zombies, but they just bounced off. "We still need to try!" he insisted.

"It's too late," Luna said quietly.

Step Ten: When all else fails, run away

"Good plan," Harry gasped out as he clutched at his sides. He really needed to get more exercise. Behind him, he could hear the zombies coming after them. He still couldn't believe they were so fast!

"Rule seven," Luna told him as she jogged ahead of him.

"I know, I know," Harry grumbled. "Don't make assumptions."

"Exactly," Luna confirmed.

"But what I don't understand," Harry managed to get out. He took a couple of deep breaths before continuing. "I don't see why we don't just Apparate away?"

Luna stopped abruptly, and Harry almost collided into her.

"What are you doing?" Harry exclaimed. He stopped and looked around. The zombies were shambling towards them quickly.

"I hadn't thought of that," Luna said slowly. "Yes, we could do that. It's less interesting though."

"What?" Harry spluttered, but Luna had already grabbed his arm.

They disappeared with a loud cracking sound.

Step Ten (edited): Apparate away

"I think you need some new rules," Harry complained.

Luna shrugged. "Probably," she agreed cheerfully. "But they worked, didn't they?"

Harry sighed. "Only you would have rules for a zombie apocalypse," he said fondly.

"I also have rules for..."

Harry held up his hand. "Oh no," he said. "Don't tell me. I don't want to know!"

Luna gave him a serious look. "But you never know when aliens could invade Earth. It's a serious possibility, you know. I interviewed somebody last year who saw a flying saucer."

Harry stuck his fingers in his ears. "Don't want to know!" he called out.

Luna grinned.

FIN